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Is this what life is like?

Because I didn't ask to be born.


January 14th, 2008

A haiku, written by yours truly @ 01:00 pm

Current Location: state of confusion
Current Mood: anxious anxious
Current Music: radio

 

1/14/2008 12:52:57 PM

ABSTRACTION

Dynamic stillness

In bright and muted colors

Another mismatched pattern

 

Ugh, I don't like the way my entries show up @ 12:48 pm

Current Location: home
Current Mood: confused confused
Current Music: radio

 Ack, this is gross, how do I fix it so that my journal entries aren't in a narrow, long rectangle?  It's horribly ugly and really hard to read that way.  I just want a nice simple squarish space.   Sorry to everyone about that horrible column look.
 

My life so far, a very long rant @ 12:43 pm

Current Location: at home
Current Mood: exhausted exhausted
Current Music: radio

 

1/14/2008 10:40:18 AM

 

Warning: this is really long, can you believe there are giant chunks of goings-on that are missing?.  Also I didn't proofread it (too tired)... The colors are all goofy too, oh well, red and purple are good colors, even though I meant to keep it all purple.

 

Okay, this is kind of a combined blog.  It’s been a very, very long time since I blogged, or journaled, or anything like that.  Maybe out of laziness, but that’s really only about 5% of the problem. 

 

I really don’t consider myself that lazy, more of a procrastinator, but not really that lazy.  I don’t enjoy being lazy, I don’t enjoy stagnating, and I certainly don’t intend to do these things.

 

So I’ll be 31 this year, but not for several months yet, but where am I going and what am I doing, exactly?

 

Well if we start at the present, it hurts like hell to type, so that’s partially why I’m being slightly unoriginal by having the same blog and same journal entry.  I think I’ve finally worked out a decent sort of sleep schedule, and hopefully I can keep that up. 

 

Lately, I’m so tired and I ache all over all the time.  I’ve been trying to do as much as I can without going to see a doctor (no insurance yet).  Unfortunately the problems are getting worse in one form or another.  Allergies, IBS, migraines, sinus headaches, eye pain, floaters, exhaustion, insomnia, no energy, RLS, and gaaahhh pain, pain like nothing I’ve felt except when I had a 3-month-long flu years ago.  Head to toe muscle and joint and bone pain, muscle cramps and spasms and every joint popping and cracking every time I move.  I can’t even do light stretches or other workouts without creaking and popping.  I’ve re-strained my back 5 times in the past 2 years, re-injured my ankle 3 times… had screwy dental diagnoses that required expensive fixing (still needs more fixing), that I’m still paying on…  Since about 10 years ago, I can’t walk or stand for long periods of time without it killing me, sitting isn’t always easy either, but sitting is sometimes easier than walking or standing.  It sucks too, because I have to walk everywhere, and stand in line for things… I have to walk more than some people do (who can drive), but still walking and standing is part of everyday life usually.  And I’m so sick and tired of being uncomfortable doing everyday things.

 

This past Saturday, I finally decided to prioritize a hair cut.  I lost more than ten inches off my head, it’s layered and razor-cut with the longest layers being at the top of my collarbone and the shortest right under my cheekbones.  It looks really similar to my work badge picture, one of the more fuzzy pics I took and posted here, the really faded one.  I can’t seem to find a more comfortable style than the layered/razor-cut look and in the first few months after the style/cut, it behaves decently.  After that, my hair grows out so fast it just gets totally unruly.  Well, it’s been horrible the past 7 years anyway, since it decided to go staticky on me, and no it’s not the weather, it’s behaved in that manner through three different climates.  My mom says it’s old age.  Great.  I don’t mind the gray hairs, I do hate the static.  Not frizz, necessarily, but static.  It’s so weird too, it’s slightly oily and the texture is coarse, and it’s so thick (thankfully thick).  It also sheds a lot.  I would never make a good criminal (not that I ever wanted to be), I’d leave so many hairs at the scene, one is bound to have a tag on it.  I had this weird dream the other night that I planned on dying it again, which I haven’t done in 10 years.  It probably wouldn’t hurt to dye it, it might even behave for awhile, but it’s just not where I want to concentrate my money, time, and hassle.

 

Okay, enough about my damn hair. :P

 

I’ve been trying to finalize my divorce, which seems to be going horribly.  I’m probably going to have to file again for another fucking Motion.  Next to dealing with the pain of the death of loved ones, I think this really tops heartaches.  All I want is to get on with my life and as far as I can tell, so does my ex-hubby.  But various circumstances that are out of my control get in the way and complicate everything.  I’m tired of dealing with it, it hurts.  Okay, I’m done talking about that, too, unless I want to drown my keyboard in stupid tears.

 

Since the later part of 2006 I’ve been attending classes at the AZ Center for the Blind and Visually Impaired.  What a wonderful place, really, I mean I didn’t even know they existed until now.  What a waste of time I’ve made of my life since then.  Up until about then, I literally have lived a lie, a very big lie.  No, I don’t like lying, I am horrible at lying, but I don’t know how to explain it.  I don’t think anyone can truly understand what it’s like to completely deny and even defy such a huge thing.  I was born legally blind, but I refused to act that way.  Even my current bf, his friends, my friends, my family, people I just me, my ex-hubby, his friends, his family, all my past relationships…none of them ever really got it, or they don’t get it now.  When you’ve lived your whole life like you can see as well as anyone else… well people completely misunderstand you suddenly.  I never knew, never before met a single blind or severely visually impaired person.  I was alone, utterly.  It’s very odd here, and I’m still partially alone.  It’s shitty when no one can tell you why or how, I don’t even have a diagnosis because there isn’t one.  That makes it rather hard to treat.  All that can be done is to treat the symptoms, so to speak, but the underlying problem is a complete enigma.  So, here I’ve lived, so very hard, working harder than anyone will ever guess. No one knows how hard it is for me to watch a movie, walk across the street, or find something in my own home, or read, or see a face.  I am so tired all the time, my head hurts all the time and my eyes feel bruised and sore.  When your vision changes on you on a whim, with no warning, it keeps you on your toes.  Sometimes, sometimes I wish the world was darkness so it wasn’t so hard for people to at least accept me.  I know that sounds weird, you’d think I’d find it harder for people to accept me if I couldn’t see colors, couldn’t see just enough to know they were there, in front of me, but not quite sure if they were nodding, making a face, or trying to point something out to me, but be unable to make out the details or the direction of their glance.  Is that a shadow or a pot hole?  If I spend every walking moment looking down, maybe I’ll be able to focus enough to be able to figure it out before I misstep.  Or maybe not.  I can see large objects, but can’t see details (sometimes), and I can’t focus very well or for very long, so if whatever it was I was trying to see is gone, then it’s gone.  Some things catch my attention whether I want them to or not, sometimes I miss them completely.  It’s so unpredictable, I never know what I’ll be able to see or not see in any given moment.  Most of the time it’s like trying to look through a thin waterfall, not completely blurred, but nothing seems like it’s standing still, and I’m working like mad to try and steady what I see, make it clear.  I have limited depth perception, sometimes heights scare me, sometimes they don’t.  I’ve suffered many accidents due to my poor depth perception, and suffered many ridicules.  I’ve developed many ways of coping, pretending I can see just fine by doing things differently, but always, always working harder.  I don’t like working harder, I’d rather work smarter.  That’s basically what the Center is teaching me.  It’s also introducing me to people who can’t see at all, or who have such severe visual difficulties that it affects their way of living.  I hear people talk about me, you know, those people who can see, wonder why I need a cane, why I use a cane; some say I don’t need one.  They aren’t me.  Would those people like one day and one night of being me?  Probably not.  The unsure feeling of wondering how every step and every movement will turn out.  No, I don’t always need it and sometimes it’s impractical to use it for some things, in some areas it’s downright dangerous to have it out or even visible.  The Edge Fest concert for example, a really good idea to have it, that place was full of pot holes I couldn’t see through the overgrown grass and it was hard to differentiate changes in terrain, and during the day the crowd wasn’t so crazy.  But near night time and when the crowds got tight and rowdier, someone easily could have yanked it away from me, or it could have gotten caught up in a crowd of dancing drunken revelers and someone could have gotten hurt.  But I try to carry it close to me in case I do need it.   Most of the time it’s a good visual to other people; if they know what it means that is.  Yes, sometimes I seem just fine without it, but I’m working my ass off to compensate.  I think I’ll always have to deal with those who sneer and mutter under their breaths about how I ‘can see just fine’ when they don’t realize that what I can’t see is much greater.  I have reading and distance glasses and a magnifier and a monocular.  The reading glasses only work for up close and not for every reading task.  The distance glasses only work sometimes, and while they do sometimes un-fuzz the edges of large objects, that’s about all they do.  I’m pretty happy though, honestly, because the Low Vision Specialist at the Center was able to provide me with a much more effective prescription for both types of glasses and the magnifier.  I’d be lost without any of them, although I can’t or don’t always use them for everything.  Sometimes I can ‘see’ because I have positions of things memorized or the length of something, or both clues combined.  Like my cell phone for example, I have certain parts of its menus memorized or the positon and length of certain words in the menus so that I can ‘guess’ usually what it is is I’m reading.  I use pictures and ring tones to personalize people’s phone numbers in my contact list.  No, without my magnifier I can’t see the photos, but I can recognize the pattern of colors.  I also do a lot of things like adjust font, resolution, contrast, etc., on whatever it is I’m using, like my computer.  I’ve recently learned a lot about assistive technology that will help me work smarter and not harder, but it’s very expensive and on my small income, I’m going to need help acquiring any of it.  That’s another thing I’m really lucky for in a weird way.  My visual impairment is severe enough that I qualify for certain assistance, by law.  The Center is one place where I can get that assistance.  Whenever I have a few extra dollars, I donate them to the Center, because they do so much for me and I see they do so much for so many others in my similar position.  For various reasons I had to leave my last job and had to go onto Disability.  No, I don’t plan on being on it forever, and no I don’t enjoy the stigma it seems to carry with it.  I am rightfully and legally entitled to my disability money both for being legally blind and because I have worked a lot in the past.  A lot of the reasons I had to leave my last job are not solved yet but a good number of them are being worked on, currently.  It’s a long, long haul and it’s sometimes very lonely.  I’ll be going into a Vocational Rehabilitation program very shortly, I was accepted awhile back and have been on a waiting list since approximately Sept. 2007.  I’ll be starting in February, a pretty good way to start the new year.  I’m nervous and excited.  Basically the program I’m starting helps those who are legally blind or have no useable sight at all find and maintain competitive employment, and it helps them with whatever aspects need to be covered in order to help them be as successful as possible.  So that covers daily living needs as well as job training, assistive technology, resume-writing, etc.  Although the nystagmus I have affects my vision a lot, and I have other issues affecting my vision too, I can consistently use magnification to see, and this includes microscopes.  I have a couple meetings to attend before I officially start the program, but so far I have a few thoughts in mind.  I want to return to school and finish college.  I want to go into the medical field or computers or a combination of both.  I’m very discouraged by the turn my body and health have taken in the past several years, which is going to affect some of my goals, but I have no choice but to deal with it.  I mean right now I have no medical insurance and I make too much money to qualify for help in that aspect, but I don’t make enough to pay for private insurance.  Again, hopefully a good job (career!) will help me with that.  I qualify for Medicare in May 2008, so hopefully I can wait that long.

 

A few month’s back I added playlists to my myspace page to illustrate my musical tastes.  They are far from being comprehensive, mostly because the links to the songs change or are deleted and so either the song isn’t available anymore for placement on the list, or I have to find the song again.  Most of the time, the songs just no longer exist for placement.  I also have more playlists on the website that hosts them.  The amount of songs missing is huge and keeps growing, I can’t keep up with all the songs I can’t find any longer to place in the lists.  I’ve got very diverse tastes though, running the gamut of most of the musical genres.  All the music I love because in some way or another it represents my thoughts or feelings, and describes me in some way that I can’t quite put into words.  Sometimes the songs show my borad and open-minded sense of humor, or my poignancy, or my melodrama, or so many other things.  So, hope you enjoy them.

 

I’ve been on Altar Aeon a lot recently, but in shifts, it’s a lot of intense typing and sometimes the faster you type, the better, even if you have aliases or triggers set up.  I’ve been inconsistently trying to build.  It’s going slow and agonizingly frustrating, but always fun and interesting.  These kinds of games have never been my forte and it’s really hard for me to read (but the creator, Dentin, has added wonderful code on the game that makes it easier for blind or visually impaired players who use screen readers to play the game very effectively).  As it is, visually speaking, it’s only text, but it’s fast-moving text and I can only see about 1/5 of what’s going on at any given time, and even that 1/5 I can’t see completely or keep up with, but I seem to manage.  It’s an interesting study on society; there’s a variety of cultures and ages and generations even…  You find such a huge mish-mash of types of people, it boggles the mind.  People there make friends and enemies and tentative acquaintances.  It’s one of my biggest hobbies though, and I’d love to see the game stay around for as long as possible.

 

I’ve been listening to lots of books on tape from the Braille and Talking Book Library (volunteers read the books, and they are really good at it, like they could be pros), and it’s not a complete library or anything but there’s so much that they do have and they are always adding more.  It makes reading a lot easier for me, and thus more enjoyable.  Still keeping up on some TV shows but always behind on catching up on movies I want to see.

 

My best friend from years ago moved back to Arizona recently, and I think I’m still in shock, since we haven’t seen each other in 12 years, trying to keep in contact with him, but I’m still getting used to him being here.  Before that I ran into another old friend awhile back, too, and have been trying to stay in contact with him, as well.  I don’t get to hang out with the friends I do have very often because of money and obviously transportation.  I always feel bad that my friends always drive because I can’t see well enough to. :/  I also recently reconnected with some old friends from livejournal, and that’s also where this post is going.

 

Well, I think I’ll leave out most of the abnormal, possibly socially unacceptable, mentally and emotionally disturbed parts of my life thus far.  No one wants to know how crazy I am, and neither do I.  I’m reminded of it too often.

 

Oh, and I dunno what else I have to say right now, my wrists hurt a lot still, but I have some bits and pieces of stuff I wrote out I’ll copy and paste here.  And as always, I tend to date/timestamp everything. :P

 

11/9/2007 5:45:38 PM

STORMCHILD

Full of blind lightning

Wind that rends the sky apart

And silent thunder

 

11/10/2007 2:48:23 AM

STORMCHILD

I burn in the depths of my fiery heart

Yet shiver in its blanket of bitter cold

Shaken by the loud, silent thunder

Always the screaming wind rends my

pale skies

that are colored like bruises; blue or yellow, or purple or black

Yet still too brilliant to look at long

Even in soft, threatening cloud cover

awash with my tears

that rain down to stab the earth,

Fertile with love and pain and too much grief

Blind lightning illuminates what I do not wish to see,

Piercing with frightening light

And turning my watered-down soul prismatic

as it rides on unsteady wings, lost within the storm

and then my world is rent apart

shuddering

Into irreconcilable pieces

Completely spent

 

 

12/7/2007 2:08 AM

 

Not Good Enough

Not pretty enough

Not smart enough

Not funny enough

Not strong enough

 

1/9/2008 6:11:54 AM

(these are just bits and pieces of thought)

buffeted by the storm

for just a glimpse of the rainbow

 

(just bits and pieces of thought)

bathed in moonlight

cast in darkness

 

 

December 24th, 2007

Blah blah blah blah... @ 11:23 pm

Current Location: Home
Current Mood: drained drained

Hmmm, I think my problem is that I really don't know what to say.  I could back-peddle several weeks and update everyone, but I think I'll start from the moment for now.

I hurt everywhere.  My joints and muscles are creaking and aching and getting stuck.  Maybe I need some WD-40 ... I'm getting really tired of it though.  Basically the only change nowadays is how much I hurt and sometimes where I hurt, but usually I hurt everywhere.  No amount of exercise or eating better or sleeping or not sleeping is making it any better.  Presently, my elbows are on fire right now, my knees are stiff, and my back feels like it's been kicked by a stout pony.. several times.  Every time I move, I tweak a nerve.  It's getting tiresome for me to deal with and I'm sure for everyone else to deal with too.  Oh, did I mention how utterly exhausted I am all the time?

So those are kind of my excuses/reasons/whatever for not being around.  This really hurts to type, sometimes I can type for awhile, other times the pain just runs up and down my arms and shoulders and wrists.  Cool, now my other elbow is on fire.

Other than that, to sum up everything else lately,  I've been working and playing on Alter Aeon, taking classes at the Center for the Blind and Visually Impaired, and awaitnig my turn in a Voc Rehab program so that I can get job training, go back to school, and find a career that I can work in.  That's what's killing me the most though, is waiting on the voc rehab stuff....

Been trying to keep up on my emails.

Been broke still, but at least I'm not trying to be lazy on purpose.

I don't party like I used to, I'm feeling very old these days... mostly from the pain and exhaustion.

I lost a traitorous molar (I miss it, but not the pain from it).

Been living with a bf and roommate.  Sad, can't afford to have our own apartment.  He's got child support for a kid he can't even see, and I am still working on the job shit, but I have my own money (yay disability?).  Roommate and I have become friends though, and she's prob one of best roomies I've ever dealt with/lived with so aside from the fact that I'm tired of not having my own place at my age, it's good.

Okay, I probably can ramble on a lot more, but I'd better quit, before I get stuck here and can't get up.  It's horrible feeling this stiff and in pain.  

Drax0r you totally need to log on to Alter and give me some of your god power so I can take care of your followers (please), *snicker*.  Dentin put in the feature several months ago where gods can give one another power if they choose to.  Well, either way I miss you a lot but always wish you well in your real life, so I don't begrudge your leaving to pursue that real life thing. :)

Hope everyone and your families have a great and Merry Xmas Eve and a really wonderful Xmas Day.

 

December 19th, 2007

Yes, it has been a very long time, hasn't it? @ 05:32 pm

Current Mood: blank blank
Current Music: Chrstmas Canon Rock by Trans-Siberian Orchestra

 Thanks ehowton for remembering me.  

Too much going on, too much has gone on to really know how to put it down.

I'll try to see if I have some to post more here.

Take care to everyone, and thanks again for the thought ehowton.  I was sure everyone who read my livejournal had forgotten about me.  Heh, I forget about me often.

Safe and happy holidays!
 

August 15th, 2006

A moment of fleeting inspiration @ 01:54 pm

Current Location: home
Current Mood: busy busy
Current Music: Streaming radio
Tags:

Last night, I was supposed to be asleep so I could wake up before 8am.  Of course, when I'm supposed to be trying to sleep, my mind won't shut up.  I hope I didn't lose what came out of nowhere last night.  One time long, long ago, I remember writing a poem in my head at work and I was frantic for a pen and paper.  I worked at a fucking grocery store, you'd think I could find one - but oddly, no.  And as soon as I'd thought of it, not more than a minute later, it was gone.  I hate it when stuff like that happens.  Perhaps it was for the better, though.  Because if I had written it, I'd have lost it with all my other irreplaceable possessions.  So, here goes...

Sky is blank canvas
The bleak colors of a storm
Transform to rainbows

Hey lookie there, a haiku that I didn't break the rules on! :P  It's untitled.  Hrm, I don't know if I like it, but I'll keep it.

The sky is my canvas
I paint the pieces of my heart there
Thunder threatens to always outdo my tears,
screaming when I have no voice left
And lightening sears my soul
Stars - faraway dreams and hopes,
happiness reduced to barely burning
pinpoints of what sunrise should show as
brilliant new beginnings
Instead, sunsets offer more solace, as I wander aimlessly
by the reflection of warm sunlight - all I'm reduced to,
and it's easier to curl up in the darkness to cry

I like the second one better, again, it's untitled, for now anyway.  Maybe I'll think of one later.  I have my own style of writing poetry, I don't follow any rules, unless by accident.  Haiku format is about the closest to poetry rules I follow
.

 

August 13th, 2006

ZzzZzzz... @ 11:50 am

Current Location: In La-la land
Current Mood: annoyed annoyed
Current Music: Streaming radio

God I can't stand this, I'm always fucking tired.  Today is really bad.  I can't even hold my head up to write this.  And I thought I had a decent night's sleep.  I couldn't even fall back asleep this morning when I woke up on my own.  So it seemed my body was ready to wake up.  Guess not. ...I haven't even been awake for 4hrs and I'm ready to crash.  Let's hope I wake up in time to cook dinner.  So much for the plans I had today, both things I needed to do and things I wanted to do.
 

August 11th, 2006

Maybe, possibly the shortest blog in my life @ 02:39 pm

Current Location: Sitting on my ass at home
Current Mood: busy busy
Current Music: Random stuff, right now, Eagles Greatest Hits

Here's some prose to describe the story of my life, or part of the story anyway:

Someone gave me a small, weak plate with too many items on it and with too much weight on it. You should see the mess it's made as I carry it through my daily life.

I keep having to stop to pick up the dropped items. Sometimes they're broken, sometimes they're just not finished yet, sometimes they are done but they get lost amongst the rest of the pile. As soon as one thing is done, another needs done. Some things rely on others before the entire project can be completed. Sometimes they rely on others to help so I can only do so much...

 

July 16th, 2006

OMG it just hit me, the name of that band... @ 11:21 am

Current Mood: blah sleep-deprived
Current Music: Streaming radio

The Spin Doctors iirc is the name of the band that sings "Two Princes."  I had the band The Saw Doctors in my head so I couldn't separate the two band names at the time... sheesh.  I hate when that happens.  Well as I've said before, my memory is getting duller and duller every moment. 
 

Some songs that describe me really well. There are more, just can't remember them right now... @ 05:44 am

Current Mood: busy busy
Current Music: Shakira "Whenever, Wherever"
Tags:

Natasha Beningfield/"Unwritten" (Can't remember how to spell her last name.)

Matchbox 20/"Unwell"

Pink/"Don't Let Me Get Me"

Natalie Embruglia/"Torn"

Green Day/"Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

Puddle of Mudd/"Blurry"

Alanis Morisette/"Ironic, "You Learn", "Jagged Little Pill"

Melissa Etheridge/"I've Been Talking to My Angel"

Trapt/"Headstrong"

Disturbed/The entire album titled "The Sickness"

Lifehouse/"Hanging By a Moment"

Fuel/"Bad Day"

Creed/"Six Feet Under"

The Police/"Every Breath You Take"

Avril Lavigne/"Fall to Pieces", "My Happy Ending"

Black-Eyed Peas/Let's Get it Started in Here", "Let's Get Retarded in Here", "Where is the Love"

Outkast/"Hey Ya"

Shakira/"underneath Your Clothes", "Whenever, Wherever"

Damnit, the band's name is on the tip of my fingers/"Two Princes"

Kenny Rogers/"The Gambler", "If I Were a Painting", "I Can't Stop Loving You"

Evanescence/"My Immortal", "Bring Me to Life"

The Saw Doctors/"Share the Darkness", "To Win Just Once"

Cyndi Lauper/"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

Madonna/"Material Girl" and basically the entire "Immaculate" album

Clay Aiken/"Invisible"

The Letter Red/"Stand My Ground", "Redirect the World", "Like Water on a Grease Fire"

The Eagles/"Love Will Keep Us Alive", "There's a Hole in the World Tonight"

Nine Inch Nails/the entire album "Pretty Hate Machine", "Hurt"

Social Distortion/"Ring of Fire", "Ball and Chain"

Johnny Cash/"Ring of Fire", "Hurt"

I guess it's obvious to say that this is not a complete list hehe...

 

Something realistic, I hope @ 05:04 am

Current Mood: hopeful hopeful
Current Music: Streaming radio

Well, I've been thinking a lot and I realize that there are certain things about me that I am not willing to change about myself; two examples - my sentimentality and my materialism.  I know those are pretty opposing terms, but it's true, I'm both and I don't want to change that.  So, I've decided that *if* I'm able to continue receiving the income I am getting, I will commit myself to two goals:  1. Make one splurge each month (um, hopefully smallish ones like under $30.00 if I can possibly help myself); and 2. Save some money each month.

Right now, I don't have any credit, no wait, I have really bad credit b/c of a bankruptcy I had to file.  I'm still working on getting a new updated copy of my credit report from the three main credit bureaus, but am having trouble doing so.  I'm guessing b/c of my addresses.  My current address has a c/o in it.  My previous address was a P.O. Box.   The address before that was for a very short time a physical address, and then turned into a c/o address before it had to be a P.O. Box.  Before that, I was in Canada for three years and Texas for about three months.  Prior to that I had an extremely good rental history and credit history along with many physical addresses with at least 1yr's of residency.  So basically, right now, it looks like I don't have any rental history since uh, like 2002 when I left the U.S. for Canada after I got married.  I doubt my name is the problem, since it's connected to my social security number, it doesn't matter if I'm still under my married name (still in process of finishing the divorce).   I can't even get a damn checking account.  I did call my last bank, though to discuss with them the bankruptcy and the fact that it was discharged and they were included in it.  I was told it takes about 10 business days to process this info and verify it in their systems, and then I should be able to try to apply at a branch, but of course it's up to the discretion of the bank manager if they want to chance giving me another account.  I was hoping to get a bank account at another bank, athough my prior bank was absolutely awesome for the 7+ years I was a customer.

I was thinking about trying out those places that let you rebuild your credit by purchasing or renting to own a product and paying it off on their credit card, the payments of which are reported to the 3 main credit bureaus.   I got turned down recently for a wal-mart credit card and a wal-mart discover card, haha.  When I get that denial notice in the mail, I'll see if they used all three or just one bureau so I can try to request a free credit report to ensure that my report is cleaned up.  Apparently a friend of mine found out by accident 3 yrs after his bankruptcy that he still had stuff that was discharged left on his report because the company refused to, forgot to, or just didn't advise the credit bureau(s).  Shitty!

I can't officially live anywhere really without knowing my crdit is going to allow me to qualify - it costs $40 to apply and I'm not wasting another $40 to get turned down at the apartment I'm living in now with my bf.  The first time I was turned down.  So that's $40 down the drain.  

It's kinda cool, I found an ooooollld credit report from Experian in the year 2000 and it shows a bunch of my old addresses which I think will be helpful for something, heh.

Anyway, yeah, so right now being on disability sucks, but trying to go out and work sucks even more right now.  I've got about 26 or so years of repressed problems to take care of and more recently about seven years of physical problems, and of course 29 years of visual issues to take care of.  I'm just hoping that the doctors will understand.  I have a Social Security claim and they are requiring I see a doc to verify that I truly am legally blind at no cost to me (accept I have to pay for the transportation).  I am also awaiting a call about an intake appointment from the AZ Dept. for the Blind and Visually Impaired so I can begin my intake and actually get some serious assistance.

I found out that since I'm ADA qualified, there's this card I can purchase for $34 a month that allows me to ride the local Dial-A-Ride (for disabled and elderly) for free instead of paying $2.40 each time I ride.  That would help a lot, $2.40 adds up to a lot every month when I use their service at least twice a week and I can (MAKE SURE) I put the money toward savings or to help with rent and bills.  Of course, I have to wait for the application for this card and qualify for it....

Oh yikes, daylight is here.  I think I'd better finish my "leisurely" stuff and get started on the "non-leisurely" stuff, since I'm not sure if trying to go to sleep right now is the best idea.
 

Headache, can't sleep, sooo exhausted... @ 04:13 am

Current Location: Sitting on my ass
Current Mood: restless hungry again
Current Music: Streaming radio

For the first time in a long time, I've been forcing myself to be up and about during the daytime. Not because I want to as much as that I need to. Most weekdays, it's not always too difficult, because I usually have numerous appointments to attend to, calls to make, and other things to do. Sometimes these things I *want* to do, most of the time, I *have* to, or the consequences of not doing so may be worse than making myself knuckle down and do them.   This is the first Saturday, err was the first Saturday that I didn't sleep all day and actually got a few things done.  Yay, go me.

On the bright side, it appears Winamp's In2TV is back - it looks like they just wanted to categorize the shows offered. I don't see why they had to do that, but oh well, it's working now, that's all I care about. It's fun and amusing and nostalgic to watch old TV shows, although it's too bad they don't have more shows and more episodes of the shows. Can't complain, really, since it's free and simple. For whatever reason though, whenever the show goes to "commercial" (really a 14-sec advertisement for some multimedia thinggy), it changes my window settings. Like if I had it set on double size or widescreen or maximize window, it automatically shrinks it and I have to resize it when the show comes back on. Um, ok, whatever, it never did that before.)

So I've been randomly entertaining myself with ShoutcastTV, streaming radio, or In2TV, surfing the web, window-shopping eBay, responding and/or reading posts and comments from LJ or Myspace, making random notes in a notebook about various things that come to mind as the hours pass, and basically, trying to stay sane. Wait, I don't think trying to stay sane is necessarily entertaining, but I suppose it depends on one's point of view.

I haven't NOT had a headache for so long now, it's hard to remember what's it feels like to not have one. Part of it is due to my glasses. Ironic, but my glasses seem to affect my headaches more than they help to lessen them. I have to call and find out what to do about getting a new pair of glasses. THese ones are six years old and the frames over 10yrs old.

I have tons of laundry to do (built up over the past 3 weeks or so) and more non-leisurely stuff to finish. I work on this non-leisurely crap in baby steps. I have to, or else I get frustrated, confused, overwhelmed, and irritated. I know that might sound really odd. But, let's all remember my personality disorder test, snicker, it's not too far from the truth, unfortunately.

I'm exhausted still, but after a 2 1/2 hr nap, I woke up and haven't been able to fall back asleep. I feel very restless and have all these things I want and need to get done that it's like my head thinks ALL OF IT needs to get done ALL AT ONCE RIGHT NOW.

I found one of the last surviving pictures today while organizing a bunch of shit and the picture is scratched up, but still visible. It's a typical photo developed from a 35mm camera. I actually took a pic of the photo with my pic phone and uploaded it onto LJ. It's a pic of my beloved cockatiel, Xena. She was a second-hand bird, and I feel that if I had raised her myself, she wouldn't have been so neurotic. Believe me, she was neurotic BEFORE she lived with me. She was just past 3yrs old when I had to give her away. Partly because my then-hubby seemed to be allergic to the feather dust that occur with a lot of parrots, and also because I don't believe that it is fair to have a pet if I can't afford to take care of them. I was having trouble buying her food and getting her to regular vet visits. There were many times her flight feathers grew out because I couldn't get them trimmed (I wasn't about to trim them myself b/c of my poor vision, I didn't want to injure her) and I couldn't get her claws trimmed either by a vet (oww, sharp little talons!). But, I taught her how to step up onto my finger in about a week or less. I also used to let her fly now and then when she had her flight feathers unclipped - she'd fly from me to my bf. If that sounds confusing, I owned her throughout two different relationships. I miss her. I miss all my pets I had. About 97% of the pets I ever owned I always had to give up in some way or another, both when I was a kid and as an adult. I had a few pets die. I spoiled my pets like they were my children. I don't have any kids and am not ready for them yet anyway. I would buy my pets all sorts of treats, toys, I'd cook for them, etc.

When I uploaded Xena's pic, I decided to go ahead and upload a few more pics of me showing me at different times of my life. Sorry the pics are blurry. Picture phones aren't exactly the greatest cameras, hehe. I can't wait to get a webcam/digital cam with some decent megapixels.

Well, I think I've rambled in this post enough. My flightiness is reflected in my writing as well as my actions, heh. Although I use Myspace, I'm starting to use it a bit less, since it's so freaking slow. But I'm still getting used to LJ and its functions.

Oh, did I mention, I changed my LJ page to a different setting.

Warning: more posts to come. I think I'm running on pure adrenaline now, still tired, though. My ass hurts from sitting on the floor. I need a good, thick floor cushion. Regular pillows just don't cut it anymore. :P

GFD I'm hungry again. IBS is fun, see I get full quickly, but hungry again not too long afterwards; that and my body is used to eating at least six times a day or more. Of course eating that often requires more money, and IBS is an expensive freaking diet. It's better for the metabolism and blood sugar, at least if you do it right. I need to exercise again, and more, and consistently....
 

July 15th, 2006

... @ 04:37 am

Current Mood: blah blah

Personality Disorder Test Results
Paranoid |||||||||||||||| 62%
Schizoid |||||||||||| 42%
Schizotypal |||||||||||||||| 62%
Antisocial |||||||||||| 46%
Borderline |||||||||||||||||| 74%
Histrionic |||||||||||||| 58%
Narcissistic |||||||||| 34%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 42%
Dependent |||||||||||||| 54%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||| 54%
Take Free Personality Disorder Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
 

July 13th, 2006

I just thought of something that annoyed me, and other ramblings @ 09:30 pm

Current Mood: drained drained
Current Music: Reconnected to Bullshit! Wheee.

So yesterday and the day before that and before that, etc., In2TV on Winamp had a list of at least 20 different titles of old, classic TV shows which are free and you can connect and watch. There are about 5 or so episodes of each of these TV shows. Suddenly, today, the list has completely compacted into about five or six shows. Where the fuck did the rest of those shows go???!! It happened out of nowhere and I can't really figure out why and there's no help available on Winamp's Nullsoft website. I use either Winamp or Windows Media Player, although usually I prefer Winamp over Media Player. But right now both Winamp and Windows Media Player are each having problems. Winamp isn't playing my playlist correctly and In2TV is fucked up. Media Player has its on and off moments but so far is okay, kinda.

Again, still need an antivirus program, probably going to go for Pest Patrol, which was the one I had a long time ago before I lost my own computer and it seemed to work very well. I need more memory too. I also need to download Mozilla Firefox.

I need a tape recorder and a lot of tape or something. Typing and handwriting gets harder and harder for me most times, most days.

I need a find out how much it would cost to get a new pair of prescription glasses. My insurance doesn't cover vision care over age 21 unless it's an emergency. These glasses and frames are old and they hurt like hell to wear, and contacts contain more cons than pros.

I was supposed to have an intake appointment with the AZ Dept. for the Blind and Visually Impaired, but the woman was sick and had to cancel. I haven't renewed my prescription in at least six years and the lenses are smudged permanently and the frames are pretty messed up now, too.

*SIGH* *YAWN*
 

Internet TV aka ShoutcastTV on Winamp @ 09:48 am

Current Mood: content content
Current Music: ShoutcastTV Penn & Teller's Bullshit

Woohoo, finally, I got connected to a channel on ShoutcastTV via internet TV which is part of one of the last few versions of Winamp's features. Usually, if the broadcaster of the channel doesn't require subscription, you just wait in line if the server is full and so you're just in a queue until someone drops off the server. Sometimes ppl drop off on purpose, sometimes, they lose their connection. If the broadcaster requires a subscription, then you can't connect w/o one usually and that subscription supposedly allows you your own slot so you don't have to worry about "server busy" and watch the IP address scroll by while you wait for it to hopefully, hopefully connect. Now if if it's free to watch, then you might have to wait, but if you sign up for a subscription on that channel instead, it is also supposed to guarantee you a slot. Well on one of the free channels, I got connected like ASAP to Penn and Teller's Bullshit (WOOHOO!), which I hardly ever get connected to that fast. The bad news?? I Just burnt my grilled cheese sandwich. I haven't burnt a grilled cheese sandwich since I was 10 - or since I forgot to pay attention to the fact that I was cooking.

Can I just blame it on the ghosts in my kitchen instead?? Cuz the burner looks like it keeps getting turned up. I think I'd better go talk to the dead and explain to them that burning my very expensive food isn't funny. I like most of my food well-done, but not this well-done. Grr, way to ruin my breakfast. At least I have good entertainment! I'm eating this anyway, strange breakfast I know, and it stinks, ya know, like burnt bread, really burnt bread. Luckily I salvaged the other part of my sandwich and it didn't burn; I yanked that pan and spatula from those ghosts and took charge of my cooking. My mom always did tell me I spent too much time NOT paying attention to what I was cooking when I was cooking, otherwise, she said I'm actually a decent cook, snicker.

Story of my life, I get distracted easily. Perhaps cuz I try to do too much at once, so 80% of the time I get only most of the things done in "baby steps" so it takes me longer to do something. the other 20%, I actually get totally done in one fell swoop (or as I like to say, one swell foop - or perhaps by coincidence, the task happens to be easy.)

I'm going to eat my breakfast now. *Mocks Drax0r with her fake cheese - haha I'm insulting a grilled cheese sandwich by making one with soy cheese!* It's actually really, really good, even if it is burnt, the cheese is perfect and it's a three-cheese blend.

Now I'm rambling and missing P&T BS, not that I couldn't just listen to it; but for real BS fans, it's not quite the same to let it sit in the background.

I hope I keep having better luck with the ShoutcastTV; if I could, I'd subscribe to a bunch of channels I like, so that ppl will keep broadcasting, cuz most of the broadcasted shows are neat.

Wow, I actually created a blog for the first time in eons on LJ. I haven't even blogged in general for eons. This was supposed to be a quickie message, heh. Everyone, including me, should know better that I don't usually write quick, short messages.

Maybe if I feel like it I'll blog later - I have another website I started on first, so LJ still ends up coming in second place by accident, whenever I feel like blogging.

God, I can't wait til' I can afford a 17-in flatscreen, this 15-in monitor is killing me. No matter how many ways I play around with the fonts and sizes, it's just not quite enough and it's still super hard to read most of the time. Very annoying, but it's like some bad, some good; I have my own comp, even if it's not perfect, 256 MB of RAM, small monitor, worn-out keyboard that sometimes takes a lot of PSI of pressure from my fingertips to press the keys (at least the enter key doesn't stick and the keyboard is quieter than my bf's); and I'm again getting used to what I'm used to being the standard organization of the home, delete, insert, etc., keys whose positions I had to re-learn on my bf's keyboard (cuz they were different on the bf's comp), etc., no desk/chair so it's jury-rigged on the coffee table and I sit on the floor with my back against the couch (which I've done before so it's not hard to get used to, but annoying).

Um, it's just been a life of one step forward, two steps back, and today is no different. Sometimes it's one step forward, three or more steps back. Blargh. Didn't I say I was gonna shut up now?

A lot has happened in the past several, whatever, since I last blogged, and my brain is finally processing it, readying it for writing down, even if it's not written down very structurally.

So expect a lot of blogging sometime soon. Either here, or on Myspace (www.myspace.com/blancpage). If you decide to read my blogs and profile on Myspace, you shouldn't need to make an account on Mspace at all to do so, unless you want to. If you do decide to make an account on Myspace and want to be added to my friends list and keep up with blogs I post there, just send me a message first, so I know who you are, please, otherwise I'll probably delete the friend request if I don't recognize you or who/what you represent. As I said, I started first on Myspace (I don't even remember who finally convinced me to do it, and so I usually am on there more often than on LJ; and it's hard for me to keep up with both but I don't plan on getting rid of both accounts either. I'll just try and keep up with both and it'll probably take a lot of time.)

Monsoon season, yeehaw. It's fucking hot and humid with heat advisory warnings.

I broke our DVD player and neither of the comps have DVD-roms just CD-RW, I need to buy an antivirus program (err afford one rather) so that I can scan a CD for possible viruses. I have Ad-aware though, which works decently. Bf's bro gave us his old DVD player, which was really nice of him. Now I just wish I could afford TVO, or digital cable w/DVR. I'm missing more Bullshit. I'm seriously shutting up now, for now anyway, heh.

Notice none of my writing flows properly at all, it's just a bunch of bullshit (pun intended) thrown onto a page in no particular cohesive order.

I am an ellipses.
 

May 18th, 2006

Personality test @ 11:18 pm

Current Mood: blah blah

Advanced Global Personality Test Results
Extraversion |||||||||||| 50%
Stability |||| 20%
Orderliness |||||||||||||| 56%
Accommodation |||||||||||| 43%
Interdependence |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Intellectual |||||| 23%
Mystical |||||||||||| 50%
Artistic |||||| 30%
Religious || 10%
Hedonism |||||||||||| 43%
Materialism |||||||||||||||| 70%
Narcissism |||||| 30%
Adventurousness |||||||||| 36%
Work ethic |||||||||||| 43%
Self absorbed |||||||||||||| 56%
Conflict seeking |||||| 23%
Need to dominate |||||||||||| 43%
Romantic |||||||||||| 50%
Avoidant |||||||||||| 43%
Anti-authority |||||||||||| 50%
Wealth |||||| 23%
Dependency |||||||||||| 50%
Change averse |||||||||||||| 56%
Cautiousness |||||||||||| 50%
Individuality |||||||||| 36%
Sexuality |||||||||||||||||||| 83%
Peter pan complex |||||||||||| 50%
Physical security |||||||||| 36%
Physical Fitness |||||||||||| 44%
Histrionic |||||| 30%
Paranoia |||||||||||| 50%
Vanity |||||||||||| 43%
Hypersensitivity |||||||||||||||||| 76%
Female cliche |||||||||||||||| 63%
Take Free Advanced Global Personality Test
personality tests by similarminds.com
 

May 1st, 2006

I know what I forgot to mention earlier @ 09:44 pm

Current Mood: disappointed and in pain

My eyeballs hurt, I wish someone would stop stabbing me in the eyes. Why am I still sitting here? Stupid fucking eyesight. To any of you who don't already know why I seem so pessimistic about this - my vision cannot be corrected and it will never get better. The best I can hope for is worse. And, yes, for those who do know me, I am wearing my glasses. But even wearing my glasses gives me a headache, rather, it adds a new headache to the one already there. My eyes are straining as bad as ever and I don't really know why.

On a totally different note, I just found the millionth piece of proof (I had a word that I wanted to use there, but I sat here thinking for 5mins about what the right word was and never did figure it out) that I've gone completely insane. I was just perusing my own blog and saw that, once again, I used the wrong word - I had typed eyesite instead of eyesight. UH... There are numerous times I've probably missed my own mistakes. Also, numerous other times that I've found these kinds of errors. Once I also blogged entirely without apostrophes. I am unacceptable to myself. These issues are so NOT me and are against every rule I hold myself and even others too. I just caught myself using to instead of too. Fuck.
 

I have a headache... and my first official blog @ 08:56 pm

Current Mood: distressed distressed

As I've already said previously, my presence on here is Drax0r's fault, mostly anyway. I've heard of this site before I knew he was on it. Okay, whatever. I've blogged mostly on myspace (www.myspace.com/blancpage), but I thought why not post something here?

My profile page on myspace was that of a blue/black-colored forest-and-lake scene with a cute fairy in the foreground. I recently changed it to something more easily read, but also something more akin to my mood; a blood-red background with brighter red text. I've slept through the entire weekend and most of today. Every time I eat something, I get nauseous. If I don't eat, I feel like I'm starving to death. I'm been angry and sad and tired for weeks now. My creativity has gone slack. My energy is nil, my passion has turned itself inside out, into something more devastating. One can be passionate about life or death or whatever lies in between. I can't describe anymore what I feel. Whatever words do come out hardly resemble themselves or the meaning I want so badly to convey.

The other night I got into a fight with Travis, my bf. Just recently we had to have the light fixture on dining room fan fixed and also the florescent bulbs in the kitchen replaced. Not too long after, the ceiling fan lamp is nearly touching the top of my head and the kitchen light no longer works (it started by flickering for many seconds before going on, now it doesn't turn on much but a tiny, tiny bit of light that prob isn't enough to startle a cockroach). Anyway, to my recollection, my comment to Travis was "It feels like this place is falling apart." This comment was tinged with frustration because it was frustrating. On top of that, I was already aggravated for no fucking reason, and I had told him this before that I was tired and depressed and angry. He tells me "Just because (insert problems I mentioned above), that doesn't mean this place is falling apart." And for those of you who don't know me well, I read too much into other ppl's intonations. But he basically told me I was wrong. I wasn't trying to make a factual statement, somewhere in my conversation with him, I am sure I made it clear that I was 'feeling' this way. When I told him that he'd basically hurt my feelings becaue he just told me I was wrong and all I wanted him to do was acknowledge that I had the right to feel that way (i.e. validate my feelings), he decided that was his cue to yell more and louder. I was already in tears and having a panic attack, but he didn't seem to care. He yelled, "Don't talk to me about this anymore." and a few other not-so-nice-sounding choice sentences that my memory fails to remember in detail, but that doesn't mean I can't remember how they made me feel. So, in respecting his wishes, I stopped talking to him. And I was angry with him for the rest of the night. I still am. I don't hold grudges. But I can't tell myself to 'snap out of it' either.

I basically blame it on myself. See, if I didn't have issues with mood swings, I probably would have cared less about half of the conversation. I don't really know. All I know that I've the entire weekend suffering panic attacks over and over again, like I am now. I'm tired of these headaches that never go away. I haven't head a day without a constant headache since before I before I existed. I still feel the physical sting of being yelled at and being told I was wrong. I felt so small, tinier than a speck of dust. Actually, more like a mold spore - tiny and irritating.

I really don't know what else to say. A lot has happened, in the several days it's been since I was online, and yet I can't remember the full sequence. Also, I don't even know how important these things are. All I know is every day is painful in some way, every night hurts too. I just want it to end. I'm not asking it to be easy, I'm just asking for a break every now and then. I didn't ask to be here. I want to be here less and less every day.
 

April 25th, 2006

Drax0r's fault again.... @ 02:58 pm

Current Location: in a chair
Current Mood: giggly giggly
Current Music: Photograph/Nickelback - Launchcast

I'm on a spree of 'not taking responsibility for my own actions' because that's so NOT like me. Drax0r you've yet again, tempted me into taking yet another quiz. You are my master, I will do thy bidding.

You Are 50% Evil

You are evil, but you haven't yet mastered the dark side.
Fear not though - you are on your way to world domination.
 

April 24th, 2006

He made me do it! @ 07:56 pm

Current Location: Planet Bob
Current Mood: complacent complacent

It's all Drax0r's fault. Look, Drax0r, now I'm on here too! I think I probably used up a lot of my blogging fuel on Myspace, which is originally where I started all this. I feel sort of blank right now, and empty, but that could just be my stomach again.
 

Is this what life is like?

Because I didn't ask to be born.